General Assembly Minutes 2011-12-27

Facilitator: Spike
Stack: Coral
Vibe-checker: Karrie
Guide: Michelle P
Notes: Lars
Time: John B

Donations (General, Road, Chris & Ed)
Consensus Review Karrie

Announcements

Florida Free Speech Forum 9 January 11:30 am lunch, speaker at 12 pm on “History of Right of Assembly” call 335-3938 for more info

Cancellation from Three Rivers on presentation on foreclosures.

Mary Olson SE coordinator for NIRS.org give workshop on fight against nuclear energy in north Florida on 9 January at 7pm at Civic Media Center

De-escalation and nonviolence training (4 sessions) starts Saturday, 7 January 11-1 pm. Must come to each one to participate, else may watch.

30 December event planning for move to amend gainesville. 4 January general move-to-amend meeting at CMC 5:30 pm for more write to movetoamendgainesville [at] gmail.com

20 January Cornel West coming. OG event. Help with outreach, spreading the word.

Other Occupy News

Gary – visited 8 West Coast occupations will post on website forum or share in person. Was heartened by number of young people involved.

Michelle – visited occupy jax. Lots of sidewalk chalk, other rules imposed by City. Beach umbrella, bike generator.

Tommy – brought FDL gift card to occupy orlando. They offered to make a banner.

OG News

negative letter to commissioners may be found on website forum.

Working and Affinity Groups

Community Outreach met last week to discuss occupying other communities and parks. More discussion needed. Proposed Mobile Occupation Outreach Assembly Thursday 29 December. Consensus reached.

Internet please share the info about Cornel West event. New admin ideas: moderation fishbowl on website forums, so that admin discussion is transparent. Also, currently inactive admins are asked to participate or step down.

Conflict & Support. Will have C&S Assembly 5 January to discuss what C&S does and how to increase our level of mutual support. Please come.

Radical Cheerleaders – meet 28 December 5 pm

Open Discussion
Foreclosures
Lars to contact jax lawyer about presentation.
Gary – possibility to connect with sustainable housing program at UF
Tommy – confront banks.

Bank Accounts, municipal and personal investments transferred to credit unions.
Kali – use City Commission meetings to raise awareness.
Gary – post in Strategy forum of og website.
John B – need to make signs.

Monday 2 January suggested as sign-making assembly. Need cardboard, paint, etc. Those interested in this will propose on Friday.

Open Floor
Consider prioritizing legalization of marijuana as issue.
Announcements
Clean up, Load up

7 Comments

I've always been a loser but

I've always been a loser but I've never realized it until a few years ago. Never was good with people, and until very late in life I thought the only way to make friends and please people was to do and be everything they wanted us to. I shaped my personality on that of those I wanted to be friends with. I wasn't myself. So I was bullied, beaten, mocked, taken advantage of and such.

Then there were the parental units. Work took them away a lot, and the little time we spent together was them saying constantly I behaved like a lunatic and if I didn't behave properly I was to be commited to an institution. What a great thing to say to a child, right? My whole family, though small, started to see me this way. I was the crazy one, the child that never said anything that made sense, the child who always had to be watched lest he break, stole or severely damaged anything. Well, movin' on...

Let's see...School: Check; Parents/Family: Check; Work - Check my other story "damned if you do..."; That leaves married life.

I don't have to tell you about my love life, use your imagination under these circumstances. I met my future wife and eight years later we got married. Best and fastest day of my entire life. I later found out that my marriage isn't a partnership, but a domination. She's the dominating one, I'm the dominated one.

So at this point I really start thinking like that famous Demotivator poster with the picture of a sinking ship that says «It may be that your goal in life is to serve as a warning to others.». I looked around and realized that no one respected me, people saw me as a child of 5 in a 30 year-old body, the lunatic mad prankster who never took anything seriously and never did anything right. I had one last chance to prove myself to the world: to have children of my own, to make others around me see that I too could make something right, something beautiful. Then the Doctor told me I couldn't have children. I was sterile. No chance in Hell.

My girlfriend had this best

My girlfriend had this best friend named Jennifer. They were friends since like 4th grade and now they both finished high-school. The girl Jennifer was a good girl. Pretty and smart. But her dad was a deadbeat and kicked her out at 18. She started dancing to support herself. Not naked but in a bikini or whatever. She met some rich guy that gave her whatever she wanted. She kept bragging how she wasn't even fukking this dude, but he was buying her everything. I warned her to be careful. Dude is gonna wanna fukk eventually. She was about 21 at the time. After about a month of playing this dude, my girl gets a call from detectives. The fukkin dude blew her brains out with a shotgun, then killed himself. My girl hasn't been the same since. So many weirdos. R.I.P. Jenn

http://blog.nj.com/ledgerupdates/200...mobRedir=false

That's her on the right with my girl on the left.

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I came to the realization not

I came to the realization not to long ago that I have a narcissistic mother. Please be aware that I would never have come to this conclusion on my own. A friend was describing her mother and struck by the similarities between her mother and my own, I felt compelled to say so. My friend turned to me and said: "Welcome to my world; you, too, have a narcissistic mother."

What exactly is a narcissistic mother? At the risk of sounding simple minded, one suffering from narcissistic disorder. The disorder is perfectly named, bringing to mind Narcissus, the figure from Greek mythology who fell in love with his own reflection. Anyone stricken with narcissistic disorder reflects everything (or so it seems) on to other people. This is most applicable when it comes to narcissistic parents. A narcissistic mother may only care about herself, but if their child achieves (despite great odds) any measure of success in any area, she will automatically claim credit. For example, I was recently published under a pen name and made the colossal blunder of mentioning this to my mother. Rather than congratulate me, the first words out of her mouth were: "Of course you were published. You get that from me." Get what? As far as I know, the last time my mother wrote anything was an essay at school. But to listen to her, if I had another mother, I would never have been published.

Sound extreme? Probably not if you have a narcissistic mother. And narcissistic mothers have other, equally endearing qualities. One overriding characteristic is that they are highly critical, never of themselves, just everyone around them. They, of course, are blameless. My late father expressed irritation in an unusually candid moment that my mother would never accept responsibility for anything. Nothing ever was, or ever will be, her fault.

This criticism extends to everything, including celebrities. According to my mother, not one is talented and very few good-looking. She hates Angelina Jolie. As you might have guessed, she attempted to become a professional actress, but did not make it. Instead of accepting that she may have lacked the talent and will to succeed in this highly competitive field, it is preferable to criticize others. My own attempts to act met with little maternal support. When nothing came of it (I was probably no more talented nor driven than she), all I heard was "I told you so."

Does any of this sound remotely familiar? Did you grow up with a permanently ill-tempered mother who attempted to negate nearly everything you did? For example, getting straight A's was never good enough. Did you attempt to become as perfect as possible to please her, only to be criticized, as always, in return? Did she start to make negative comments about your body as you entered adolescence? Your weight? The way you dressed or wore your hair? Does she continue to do so today? Then I'm afraid that you, too, have a narcissistic mother.

Please realize that I am by no means a mental health expert. But I have spent a lot of time lately researching the topic and wanted to share what I learned with an audience in the hopes of helping others. As I understand it, there are two basic types of narcissistic mothers: the ones who ignore their children, wrapped up in themselves, or the ones who attempt to take over completely. Since I have no experience of the former, I'll restrict myself to the latter. These mothers spend most of their time, as I've indicated, criticizing you. And it's seldom, if ever, constructive criticism. A reason these mothers are so critical is, because in their view, you not only reflect upon them (ever hear that growing up?), but are actually an extension of them, which they seldom if ever admit. But they believe it all the same, which is why such an emphasis is placed on your appearance. There is an ever-present demand that you to look your best always; after all, what would the neighbors think? God help you if you ever leave the house looking anything other than perfect. I was once told that an acquaintance of the family (a friend would have known better) thought my parents had two daughters very close in age. According to my mother - visibly irritated while relating the incident - the reason was because I had dared to leave the house with no makeup. "Naturally, she didn't recognize you without it."

But enough about me. Having a narcissistic mother is a common problem, so I've provided a checklist for you to refer to below:

Lack of empathy (this is a key characteristic of all narcissists)
Charming to others (you usually don't matter at all)
Self-obsessed (again, a key characteristic)
Any emotional episode you mention will almost always produce a comparison to themselves
Further to the above, constantly brings herself into the conversation
Refuses to discuss anything that does not relate directly to her or at the very least interests her
Automatically expects you to share her interests and tastes
Thinks nothing of ridiculing your body (there's usually a part she really dislikes, and makes that perfectly clear), weight (you're usually too fat), height (always too tall or too short), complexion, makeup, hair, clothes, friends, and perhaps above all, your significant other
Is embarrassingly flirtatious, so much so, you dread introducing her to a new boyfriend
May think she is far more intelligent, talented, or beautiful than she is, to the point of being delusional
It's her way or the highway
Everyone walks on eggshells around her, afraid of an outburst or worse, a tantrum
When you lived at home would open your mail, try to read emails and text messages, would pick up the telephone extension, read your journal
Married to or living with a man who is an enabler or equally as narcissistic
Expects you to drop everything to see her or speak to her on the telephone
May call several times as week or even several times a day, without having very much to say
While your mother may not exhibit all of these characteristics (and this is by no means a comprehensive list), she is bound to exhibit several. Getting down to brass tacks, if you suspect that your mother is narcissistic, what should you do?

First of all, please be aware that she will almost certainly always be this way. Generally speaking narcissistic mothers do not change. These women truly believe they are perfect and equally, believe that everyone is in complete agreement. Even if she were to admit she had a problem (which is unlikely), medication will probably be of no use. Again, what should you do?

I've found that the key to dealing with a narcissistic mother is limiting the amount of time you spend with her. If you still live at home, do everything you can to leave. You must. Leaving may involve moving to another city, or even another country (I moved from London to New York). Secondly, limit telephone calls. If she is calling non-stop, substitute 'Do Not Pickup' for 'Mom' into your caller ID, both cellphone and home phone. Do not feel guilty about this. The narcissistic mother relies on guilt (as well as her favorite tactic, criticism) to manipulate you. And never allow her to call you at work! This could easily affect your credibility with your colleagues. If necessary, say it is against company policy. Whether it is or not does not matter in this case.

Some adult children of narcissistic mother opt for no contact at all. Most, however, do stay in touch. Keep both telephone calls and visits to a minimum. Do you really want to hear, yet again, how popular she was before she married? Odd, she didn't keep any of her friends. Or listen to her talk behind your sister's back for the umpteenth time? Narcissistic mothers view child rearing as an opportunity to experiment with the military concept of 'divide and conquer'. Usually, there is a favored child, one who can do no wrong, as well as a victim, the proverbial scapegoat for all of her frustrations. This child may be abused physically as well as emotionally. Any money spent on them is spent with obvious reluctance. This child will be told to grateful for everything. And Heaven help you if you complain. The narcissistic mother will usually become livid, but perhaps just seethe while telling you how ungrateful you are.

The child of a narcissistic mother may find it unbearably painful to dredge up such memories and it is an excellent idea to seek professional help. That may present a challenge financially, but really, there is no better investment. Ask your doctor for a referral. And make certain that the therapist specializes in this problem.

Once you confront the problem, whether in therapy or not, you may go through a period of mourning, that your mother was not the sort of mother who had cookies and milk waiting when you got home from school, then helped you with your homework before staying up late to sew your costume for the upcoming ice skating competition. My grandmother was exactly this sort of mother (and grandmother) which may have been the problem. My mother was so spoiled as the youngest child, that she has never learned that the world does not, in fact, revolve around her. But more narcissistic parents were the child of at least one narcissistic parent.

One very effective thing to do is silently forgive your mother for not being the mother you needed. You will have to do this more than once, but as you forgive, you release tension. And in dealing with her, I would avoid mentioning that you believe she may be narcissistic. Not only will she almost certainly deny it, but will most probably fly into a rage. You don't need that. Besides, it accomplishes absolutely nothing. Just keep contact as brief and infrequent as possible as well as establish boundaries. One technique I use on is to say, almost as if speaking to a sulky child: "Let's have a conversation in which neither of us criticizes anyone or anything." Since having a conversation under those circumstances is impossible for her, she'll get off the phone rather quickly. By the way, if your mother insists that she is not critical, don't waste time arguing. Remember, she knows everything. Just change the subject. And if she wants an argument, calmly tell her you'll hang up. Your heart may be pounding as you do this, but you'll feel so much better afterward!

Recovering from a lifetime with a narcissistic mother may be challenge, but ultimately, will be rewarding. It's essential that you learn why your childhood was so unhappy, and more to the point, you're not to blame. And by doing this, you not only improve your life, but lessen the chances of becoming a narcissistic parent yourself.